Q: Knowing that alcoholism is considered an illness, and you’d like to support alcoholic friends the way you would someone with a physical illness, what are some appropriate gestures to acknowledge their recovery journey?

A: An estimated 1.2 million Americans are members of Alcoholics Anonymous so most likely we all know someone who is in recovery — and would welcome our support.

Catherine’s friend, Gail — who has been in recovery for several years and is a sponsor for new AA members — offers practical advice.

“Be excited about their recovery! Congratulate them and don’t be afraid to ask them about it. There is so much shame and humiliation around alcoholism that most folks — family and friends — are uncomfortable talking about it.”

People in the beginning of the recovery process might feel uncomfortable in social situations, recovery experts say, so don’t be offended if they decline party invitations. And allow them a gracious exit if they leave your party early.

“Invite them to your normal parties and don’t not serve alcohol because you think it is going to tempt them,” Gail says.

“If the newly recovering alcoholic is working a good program, they will make a wise decision about whether they can come or not. If we are in fit spiritual condition, we can be around alcohol.”

As your friends mark milestones in recovery, acknowledge those milestones with a phone call, a card, a simple gesture.

“‘Normies,’ as we call them, usually can’t appreciate how much our AA birthdays mean to us — usually much more than our ‘belly button’ birthdays. It is nice if our family remembers, but it is not critical,” Gail says.

Be prepared for possible changes in your relationship and adapt.

“The alcoholic is strongly encouraged to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and after that still attend a number of meetings a week. Don’t get annoyed with the time the alcoholic spends in recovery meetings. We are told that we need to be willing to spend as much time in recovery- related experiences as we spent drinking — and that usually is a lot of time,” Gail says.

Initiate activities you both enjoy, such as an evening at the movies, shopping, walks, or meeting for coffee and conversation. Your willingness to talk about recovery and support your friend leads to understanding as well as a strong, authentic friendship — a gift to both of you.

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Q: Do men grieve differently than women?

A: In the days and weeks following the 9/11 tragedy, New York firefighters cried on television news interviews — without apology. Howard Lutnick, the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald, an investment business, wiped away tears while describing the loss of two-thirds of his employees.

On the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, a blogger at IronFiremen.com wrote: “I cry because better men than I lost their lives that day.”

Grief experts weren’t surprised to see men acting against the men-don’t-cry stereotype during 9/11 and 10 years later at the memorial dedication. They’ve long known that though gender influences a person’s grieving style, it doesn’t determine it.

Traditionally, grief experts described “feminine” styles of grieving vs. “masculine” styles, but even that language is outdated. Instead, they now describe the differing styles as “intuitive” and “instrumental.”

“Intuitive is more crying, more talking, more seeking connection with people,” explained Matt Kinder, director of social services for Hospice of Spokane.

“Instrumental grieving is more action – participating in rituals, taking on projects, exercising, starting a meaningful organization,” he said. “Regardless of gender, people can be anywhere on the spectrum between intuitive and instrumental grieving.”

In 1980, mothers of children killed and maimed by drunken drivers organized MADD. This enormous action against drunken driving would be a more typical masculine style of grieving. Yet angry mothers got it off the ground.

One major difference exists between women and men in grief. Men are often reluctant to seek out grief support groups.

“One hospice was trying to start a support group, but men wouldn’t come,” Kinder said. “So they called it a ‘men’s lunch.’ It was a grief group without calling it a grief group. It was part educational, and there was something to do — eat.”

As a general rule, women bond face-to-face but men open up side-to-side, Kinder said.

“If men are on a drive, or fishing, or on a walk, they might talk,” he said.

But again, grief experts stress that there are no real rules when it comes to grief.

“Just because someone isn’t crying doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving,” Kinder said. “Every person has their own path to travel through grief.

“A lot of well-meaning people will say, ‘It’s been three months, or six months, or a year, you should be doing this or that.’ But there’s no set time. Every single person does it their own way.”

By Catherine Johnston and Rebecca Nappi

The Spokesman-Review (Spokane, Wash.)